


Conference Call

by Davechicken



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, M/M, but Snoke does bad things, but bad things all the same, canon-equivalent bad things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-31 06:13:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8567050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: Snoke has had enough.





	

Snoke first thought a little murder would make the boy behave. A bit of blood on the hands to cut through the worst of the temper tantrums, to deal with his hormonal backwash. It had been a long time since Snoke had needed to train an infant, but the boy  _was_ almost of age when he invited him to Apprentice at long last.

(And also, he’d just had enough of the whining about how he was ‘torn’ and ‘conflicted’ and ‘unloved’ and all that nonsense. Snoke had a galaxy to control. He was not a babysitter.)

But the boy hadn’t grown a pair, not with the killings. He’d gotten even _more_ neurotic, and Snoke didn’t really want to throw years of grooming down the pan, so he’d invited the squalling brat over in the hopes that cutting the apron (and robe) strings would lead to a few nights wetting the bed and then finally becoming the Knight he wanted.

Oh no. 

From then on in, Kylo (why he’d picked that name Snoke had no idea) was even more demanding and pissy. He was constantly asking for his training to be completed, questioning everything, and just as neurotic and argumentative and immature as ever.

Eventually, in the hopes that putting him around someone with a more level-head would help, he’d thrown him aboard the _Finalizer_ and sweetened the deal by promoting the Commandant’s boy at the same time. That way Hux would have to accept, and feel grateful, and would use his Just Promoted Pride to beat some sense into…

Nope. 

Apparently, Neurotic of Ren met Generalised Anxiety Disorder and instead of their better traits working together (ingenuity, power, scheming, strategy, order, devotion), they found the bad points of one another and _pulled at them to mess up the whole fabric_.

Hux - once efficient and ruthless - remained efficient and ruthless. _But he also turned petty and petulant_. His envy over Force powers made him complain about the Knight (never outright, always in reports, or asides, or passive-aggressive Bantha-shit). He filed more reports than was necessary. He filed more reports than _would ever be necessary_. He was supposed to manage his shit himself, not refer it all up in a pathetic cry for freedom.

And Crylo just spent all of his damn time either complaining about the Force, or Hux. Or something. Snoke had sort of taken to waffling random bullshit things that sounded cool and he vaguely remembered some of them might have once been Jedi but whatever. The boy wasn’t ever going to really succeed him. He wasn’t meant to, he was just supposed to cause dissent amongst the Light, take out as many Jedi as possible, and die before he became a problem to Snoke himself. (Not that he would say as much aloud.)

So when they weren’t there when his holo-call started, one day, he leaned forwards. 

No. Nothing. Empty room.

He reached out with the Force, and found the curled thread of Kylo’s mind, though it was… distracted. He boomed a command, and then waited.

Ten minutes later, red-faced and out of breath, they turned up.

“Supreme Leader, I can explain–”  


“Do not let this happen again.”  


Hux nodded. 

Kylo’s shawl was on inside out.

…well. It would stop the arguing, he supposed. Might even give him more free time if they could keep their fraternisation to times he didn’t need them to be doing other things. Like everything he ever asked them, right away.

Hux’s pants had–

Nope. Best not to think about it. Go to your happy place. Think of death and destruction instead.

This was the worst meeting he’d ever had.


End file.
